About me
I am an elegant man, I spend my spare time climbing ice and crushing walls. I was publically wooed for turning Ground Zero into Ground One. I’m a man of progression; I drive to my destinations in reverse. I can only translate German slang into proper Korean, I published a coloring book for blind children, and I’m a successful diving instructor. For fun I run 5 minute miles on my hands.I pick up older women with my unparalleled knowledge of classical jazz; I pick flowers from underground at local nurseries. I bake 12 minute cookies in 37 seconds with a soldering iron and a skillet. I’m a private in the Armed Forces, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Hokeydoke, Mississippi. I’m on my own Wanted List. Armed with a paper plate and an Astros souvenir cup I once fended off a squad of Star Wars fanatics at an Amazonian tree village. I play an orbit percussion set with my elbows, this skill put me on Maxim’s Hot 100 list - stealing first and second place. I trained my dog to write my own Autobiography through telepathy. I don’t flash for beads, beads flash for me. When I’m not refining weapons grade uranium, I’m refilling space shuttles with my own saliva. I was the first person to undergo plastic surgery to make myself look more like me. I sculpted Lady Liberty. Twice.
I am an impressionist artist, a poetic philosopher, and a philosophical poet. I created life from caviar, you’re welcome. I’m skilled at throwing pennies with deadly accuracy at passing gazelle. I created a line of invisible clothing, it’s big in Japan. It’s physically impossible for me to cry after undergoing a risky operation that removed my tear ducts. I am a citizen of 4 countries and Pluto; I receive fan mail on an hourly basis. Unlike most cats I have 9 lives and a mulligan. My Quarterback rating is 158.3. I’ve witnessed a Jehovah witness, we held hands during Armageddon. I survived 2012. I stepped foot into California and it started to sink. I still weigh 190 pounds on the moon. I have my own gravitational pull and I can no longer go to the farm due to my body being a chick magnet.
I once translated Thus Spoke Zarathustra into a language only Pee-Wee Herman can understand. Jesus is my homeboy, we chill on Sundays. I tackled the task of alphabetizing numbers, including infinity. I know the last digit of Pi, but I’m not telling anybody. When I was 3 I created a Top 100 song in which the only lyric was “Yeah”. I am the real Usher, the CIA conceals my identity. I know for a fact that O.J did it, he told me while drinking apple juice at my place. I also discovered the meaning of life, but I forgot to write it down. I originally found Atlantis; I lived with Ariel and the mermaids for 3 months before I had to resurface for air. I blogged about my up-and-coming cooking program, the show already has 5 million viewers and it starts next Friday. I truly am your Daddy. Before lunch I put my school books in Davey Jones’ locker. Last year I performed open-heart surgery on the set of E.R. I’ve discussed theoretical implications over tea with Archimedes. I tend to procrastinate about procrastinating until the next day. I am the 8th wonder of the world, and I’m on a boat.
